1
00:00:05,630 --> 00:00:08,508
So what do you guys
really think of Reverend Parks?
2
00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:10,343
- Smokin' hot.
- Mmm-hmm.
3
00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:13,805
Barbra Jean, he's a man of God.
4
00:00:13,805 --> 00:00:15,724
I got two words for you, Reba...
5
00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:17,767
Thorn Birds.
6
00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:21,020
- He is kind of cute.
- Yeah.
7
00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:24,524
Hey, when a man's behind the pulpit,
I don't think about those kind of things.
8
00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:27,485
But, now, if he was a construction worker,
I'd be all over that.
9
00:00:27,485 --> 00:00:28,528
[Barbra Jean] Hmm, oh, yeah.
10
00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:31,281
Hey, kids, you got your church clothes on.
11
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:34,075
Those clothes are for praying,
not for playing, come on.
12
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,287
- Hi, baby.
- [Van] Run.
13
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,164
Run. Come on, baby.
Run. Run.
14
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,248
Run. Yes!
15
00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:41,708
Touchdown!
16
00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:45,128
- Van?
- Hey.
17
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:47,505
- We're back.
- How was church?
18
00:00:47,505 --> 00:00:49,215
Fine. How was sinning?
19
00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:50,508
Awesome.
20
00:00:51,676 --> 00:00:54,179
Hey, Elizabeth.
That's a pretty dress.
21
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:56,514
Yeah, and she only pulled it
over her head three times.
22
00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,976
Come on, Elizabeth.
Let's go get washed up for lunch.
23
00:00:59,976 --> 00:01:01,311
- Come on, honey.
- Come on.
24
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:03,229
- Na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
- [squeals]
25
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,066
- Van?
- Huh?
26
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,484
- We have a problem.
- I know.
27
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:09,110
The Texans got no running game.
28
00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:11,237
Show him.
29
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,616
Elizabeth drew this picture today
at Sunday school.
30
00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:15,992
It's her family at church.
31
00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:17,077
Notice something missing, Van?
32
00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:18,661
Huh?
33
00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:21,206
Perspective and subtle shading?
34
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:24,959
You. Van, you're missing.
35
00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:27,670
Oh, well, maybe that orange smudge
is supposed to be me.
36
00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:28,922
Face it, Cheyenne.
37
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:30,757
She's not very good.
38
00:01:31,216 --> 00:01:33,635
Van, you shouldn't be sitting
and drinking beer on Sunday
39
00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:36,095
- while your daughter is in church.
- You really shouldn't.
40
00:01:36,095 --> 00:01:37,263
- It's not good.
- It's not right.
41
00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:39,349
- It's bad.
- Okay.
42
00:01:39,891 --> 00:01:41,851
Okay, how many wives do I have?
43
00:01:43,478 --> 00:01:44,854
Why is everybody bothering me?
44
00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:47,732
Mr. H spent the morning drinking beer
and watching football, too,
45
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,192
at Hooters.
46
00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:52,403
[chuckles]
47
00:01:52,403 --> 00:01:55,698
Honey, don't you listen to your silly,
hat-wearin' Uncle Van.
48
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:57,659
Come on, sweetie.
49
00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:01,663
You know Daddy spent the morning
doing dental work for the poor,
50
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:04,958
just like Jesus would've done
if he'd gone to dental school.
51
00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:08,336
[theme song playing]
52
00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:09,337
[Reba] Hey, hey.
53
00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:12,757
{\an8}♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪
54
00:02:12,757 --> 00:02:15,093
{\an8}♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪
55
00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:19,430
♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪
56
00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:22,058
{\an8}♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪
57
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,811
♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪
58
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,563
♪ With gentle hands ♪
59
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,356
{\an8}♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪
60
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,988
{\an8}♪ I'm a survivor ♪
61
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,959
Mom, can I ask you a question
about the Bible?
62
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:49,836
Sure, honey.
63
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,504
Can a brother and sister marry?
64
00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:57,844
{\an8}Jake, what's that got
to do with the Bible?
65
00:02:58,219 --> 00:03:01,097
{\an8}Well, if Adam and Eve were
the first people on Earth,
66
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:03,766
{\an8}and they had kids,
then who did their kids marry?
67
00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:13,276
Uh, Jake, why don't we leave that question
for your Sunday school teacher, okay?
68
00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:14,736
Okay.
69
00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:16,821
{\an8}But if she didn't know this week,
70
00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:18,990
{\an8}I don't know why she'd know next week.
71
00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:27,290
{\an8}Let's have some quiet time, okay?
72
00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,507
{\an8}Okay, Van.
73
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,676
{\an8}Put this on and get in the car.
74
00:03:38,676 --> 00:03:41,221
Ooh, are we spicing up our love life?
75
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,347
No.
76
00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:43,681
We're going to church.
77
00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:45,558
{\an8}On a Wednesday night?
78
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:47,101
{\an8}What is this, Christmas Eve?
79
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:51,481
{\an8}Van, you said the only reason you weren't
going to church was because of football.
80
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:52,482
{\an8}Well, there's no game on tonight.
81
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:53,483
{\an8}Oh, yes, there is.
82
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:54,859
{\an8}Classic Sports Channel
83
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:57,278
{\an8}is showing a rerun of Super Bowl VIII.
84
00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:01,074
{\an8}It's like watching an old Super Bowl
all over again.
85
00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:03,701
{\an8}- Van--
- Man, I wish I could bet on it.
86
00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:05,745
{\an8}[door opens]
87
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,413
{\an8}Who's ready for some God?
88
00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:11,668
No, thanks, my God tank is full.
89
00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:16,547
Oh, there's always room
for Reverend Yummy Pants.
90
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,013
- [mock cough]
- Yeah.
91
00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,891
Mr. H, good.
A man.
92
00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:30,061
Explain to them
why football is better than church.
93
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,480
Well, I would, Van,
but as a matter of fact,
94
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,565
I am going to church tonight.
95
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:35,900
Thanks to you.
96
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,863
And Wednesdays
are endless hot wings at Hooters.
97
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:45,326
Hey, I had a bunch of women
squawking at me.
98
00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:47,412
I needed them to get mad at someone else.
99
00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:49,998
Yeah, well...
100
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:52,542
I get that.
101
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:55,962
Mom...
102
00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:59,299
Van is still refusing to go to church.
103
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,258
Make him go.
104
00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:03,303
I don't think it's right to force somebody
to go if they don't wanna go.
105
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,387
Oh, you're wrong, Reba.
106
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,472
My daddy used to force my brother to go.
107
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:09,809
And now he's the most God-fearing,
churchgoing person in prison.
108
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,776
I-I can't believe
that you're sticking up for them.
109
00:05:18,776 --> 00:05:21,779
Honey, the Bible teaches us
to be tolerant of others.
110
00:05:21,779 --> 00:05:24,198
But that's only for people
who think the same way we do.
111
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,203
Well, Van doesn't wanna go,
and Brock can't go.
112
00:05:29,203 --> 00:05:30,747
Holy water burns.
113
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:34,876
I agree with Reba,
114
00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:36,586
even though she's being mean to me.
115
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,005
You're going, Brock.
116
00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:41,090
I'm your wife now, not Reba.
117
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:43,259
If you don't wanna be forced
to go to church,
118
00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:44,886
you should've stayed with her.
119
00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:49,057
Man, I knew that'd come back to haunt me.
120
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,350
[chuckling]
121
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:56,272
I'll go get the car.
122
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,985
Look, Van,
ever since I accidentally got pregnant,
123
00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:02,695
you and I talked about,
from that moment on,
124
00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:04,238
we were gonna be good parents.
125
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:06,449
And part of that is going to church.
126
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,493
Just think of it
like we're cops, all right?
127
00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,661
Good parent, bad parent.
128
00:06:12,413 --> 00:06:13,706
Van, do it for Elizabeth.
129
00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:15,541
Oh, please, don't do that to me.
130
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:18,002
You know how I get weak
when you bring up that wonderful child.
131
00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:21,005
Do it for that sweet, innocent daughter
that you love so much
132
00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:22,799
and wanna do such a good job parenting.
133
00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:24,926
- Okay, okay, fine. I'll go.
- Really?
134
00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:26,761
Yes, I'd rather go to church for an hour
135
00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:29,097
than listen to you bark at me
for the next three months.
136
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:33,226
Oh, that is the sweet guy that Elizabeth
calls the world's greatest daddy.
137
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,144
- Mmm.
- Watch the hair.
138
00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:38,314
Elizabeth, come on,
Daddy's going to church.
139
00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:41,234
Well, praise the Lord for parental guilt.
140
00:06:42,151 --> 00:06:43,194
I gotta tell ya,
141
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:45,029
I'm really glad you changed your mind.
142
00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:46,739
Yeah. You're lucky, Van.
143
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:50,701
For every day you don't go to church,
God takes a day off of your life.
144
00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:58,793
I think you're thinking about cigarettes.
145
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,881
But who knows?
You might learn something.
146
00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:05,800
Yeah, well, I doubt it.
147
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,678
Come on, Van. It's just a couple of hours.
148
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:09,887
And you'll be doing a good thing.
149
00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:12,598
Look, I said I'll go,
I don't have to be happy about it.
150
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,267
Van,
151
00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:16,894
what is it about going to church
that's so bad?
152
00:07:16,894 --> 00:07:18,312
- You don't wanna know.
- Yeah, I do.
153
00:07:18,312 --> 00:07:20,064
Well, I don't wanna tell you.
154
00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:22,024
- Why not?
- Because...
155
00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:24,318
I don't believe in God.
156
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,114
[chuckles nervously]
157
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,991
He's just jokin'.
158
00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:36,831
Is it me...
159
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,750
or is it gettin' hotter in here?
160
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:44,464
[sputters]
161
00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:53,681
Van, we need to talk.
162
00:07:53,681 --> 00:07:55,725
I've already said what I have to say.
163
00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:58,936
Good, 'cause when I said we talk,
I meant you listen.
164
00:08:00,354 --> 00:08:02,982
Look, Van, there's two things
you can always believe in.
165
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,192
One is God,
166
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,068
and the other thing is...
167
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,237
if you ever say anything like that again,
168
00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:09,989
I will put you in the ground.
169
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,618
I knew it, I knew you wouldn't
be able to accept this.
170
00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:15,369
Of course, I can't accept this.
171
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:16,579
Van, if you don't believe,
172
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,956
why do you watch Davey and Goliath
every Saturday morning?
173
00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:20,416
Because it's funny.
174
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,879
Especially when he says, "Aw, gee, Davey."
175
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,343
Stop it.
176
00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:32,553
You will not be joking around about this.
177
00:08:32,553 --> 00:08:34,889
This is a God-fearing house,
so start fearing.
178
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:37,266
Mrs. H, you cannot tell me how to think.
179
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,977
They're my thoughts,
and I might not have 'em often,
180
00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:41,395
but I know I'm allowed to have 'em.
181
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,691
We're talking about my soul here,
not yours.
182
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,401
Yeah, but your soul lives in my house,
183
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:48,986
and I don't want it
to get struck by lightning.
184
00:08:48,986 --> 00:08:49,904
Uh...
185
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:52,323
A minute ago,
you were all acceptance and tolerance.
186
00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:55,409
You're only tolerant
if I think the same way you do.
187
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:57,703
You're acting just like Barbra Jean said.
188
00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:01,666
You're comparing me to Barbra Jean?
189
00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:03,918
Oh, you are tempting fate, buddy.
190
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,213
Reba, I hope you don't mind,
191
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:10,633
but I was just looking through my Bible
for a passage that might help Van,
192
00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:12,468
and, um, I think I found it.
193
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:16,013
Van, if you look here at Matthew 12,
verse three.
194
00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:16,931
Oh, Barbra Jean...
195
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:18,975
"Jesus says unto his disciples..."
196
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,810
- What is wrong with you, boy?
- Ow!
197
00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:21,852
Huh?
198
00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:24,605
You wanna spend eternity
in a fiery damnation?
199
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,315
Knock it off!
200
00:09:26,315 --> 00:09:29,360
Streets of gold or lakes of fire,
your choice, Van.
201
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,695
Barbra Jean, stop it.
202
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,531
You're not gonna get anybody to believe
by hittin' them with a Bible.
203
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:34,949
Well, that's how my daddy did it.
204
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:44,250
Listen, I'm sorry this upsets everyone,
but this is how I feel.
205
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,419
Van, what happened to you?
206
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,504
You used to believe.
You used to pray.
207
00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:50,047
You're right, Mrs. H, I used to pray.
208
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:51,465
I used to pray every day.
209
00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:54,302
And then when I found out
about my back problems,
210
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,345
I prayed 10 times a day.
211
00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:58,014
I asked God, "Please."
212
00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:00,349
"Please, let me play football."
213
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,351
And if there is a God,
214
00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:04,270
then he sucks at his job.
215
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,523
Okay, that does it.
Get in the car.
216
00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:09,775
Is this the part where you're gonna
put me in the ground?
217
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,695
No, this is the part where
you're gonna go speak to the minister.
218
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,697
And if that doesn't work,
then I'm gonna put you in the ground!
219
00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:15,698
Now get in the car.
220
00:10:17,241 --> 00:10:18,743
It is definitely getting hotter in here--
221
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:19,827
Get in the car!
222
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:27,627
[Reba] Come on. Up the hill.
223
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:31,047
Okay, Reba,
when we get into the reverend's office,
224
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,423
- tell me that my hair looks great.
- Okay.
225
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:33,883
No, say how smart I am.
226
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:37,136
No, no, no, casually mention
that I've memorized the whole Bible.
227
00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:40,431
Oh.
228
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:42,558
Oh, Mrs. Hart.
229
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,644
Van. Barbra Jean.
230
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:45,811
Reverend Parks.
231
00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:47,396
[giggling]
232
00:10:51,525 --> 00:10:53,194
I should really make sure she's okay.
233
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:54,945
No. Let's go.
234
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,034
Reverend Parks,
235
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,495
we have a problem we need you to solve.
236
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,246
Uh, the service starts in 10 minutes.
237
00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:05,665
Well, you better work fast.
238
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,085
Van doesn't believe in God. Go.
239
00:11:10,878 --> 00:11:12,630
Ah. Speed converting.
240
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:14,215
Time me. [clears throat]
241
00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,217
Okay, Van, first of all,
242
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,804
are you here of your own
free will and volition?
243
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,349
If, "volition," means,
"a threat of violence," then, yes.
244
00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:27,269
You're free to go.
245
00:11:28,145 --> 00:11:30,314
Thank you, Reverend Yummy Pants.
246
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:35,986
What are you doing?
247
00:11:35,986 --> 00:11:37,571
The boy doesn't believe in God!
248
00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:38,697
That's the least of my worries.
249
00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:40,408
What does, "Reverend Yummy Pants," mean?
250
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:44,161
He's lost his way, you gotta do something.
251
00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:45,496
I've done everything I can think of.
252
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:46,872
And Barbra Jean even hit him.
253
00:11:47,164 --> 00:11:48,040
Barbra Jean?
254
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:49,583
She seems so nice.
255
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,252
She sent me a copy of The Thorn Birds.
256
00:11:53,754 --> 00:11:54,588
Look...
257
00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:56,424
I think Van really does believe.
258
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,843
But he's just going through
a crisis right now.
259
00:11:58,843 --> 00:11:59,969
- Mmm-hmm.
- I think
260
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:01,637
that he's a little bit mad at God
261
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:04,056
because he hadn't been
having his prayers answered.
262
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,308
Well, that sounds
like a pretty decent reason.
263
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:09,520
Not having your prayers answered
is a bad reason.
264
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:11,772
I'm the queen of unanswered prayers,
265
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:13,357
and you don't see me
giving up on the Lord.
266
00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:15,693
You're the queen of unanswered prayers?
267
00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:18,904
Oh, this is gonna be
a big blow to my mother.
268
00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:26,287
Would you stop it?
269
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,623
- I'm here for guidance.
- Oh.
270
00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:32,001
You're here for guidance.
271
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:34,128
Now we're talkin'.
272
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,464
I don't mean for me.
I mean for Van.
273
00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:38,257
He's the one with the doubts.
274
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,843
Well, it seems to me
that the queen of unanswered prayers
275
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,344
may have some doubts of her own about God.
276
00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:43,262
Well, I don't.
277
00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:45,139
I'm very grateful for everything I have.
278
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:46,474
And I tell God that every day.
279
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:47,725
Good for you.
280
00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:51,604
But there must be a lot
that you're unhappy about.
281
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:52,855
Do you tell God that?
282
00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:56,150
Do you have to have
a snippy response to everything?
283
00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:58,194
I'm not trying to be flip.
284
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,196
It just seems that everybody,
285
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:03,157
at some point or another,
would have their faith tested.
286
00:13:03,407 --> 00:13:04,241
It's human.
287
00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:05,618
Well, I'm not.
288
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,330
I mean, I've never.
289
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:11,081
Not just a little?
290
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:12,082
No.
291
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,292
And I don't wanna talk about it.
292
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:14,960
I'm here to talk about Van.
293
00:13:15,669 --> 00:13:16,587
A lot of times, people come in here
294
00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:19,006
to talk about their "friends,"
295
00:13:19,006 --> 00:13:20,466
but they really
want to talk about themselves.
296
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:22,259
And if that's you,
297
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:24,720
I'm a really good listener.
298
00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:26,931
All I wanna do is help Van.
299
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:29,058
Fair enough.
300
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:29,975
[clears throat]
301
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:31,101
Mrs. Hart,
302
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:34,021
people who come to church
are only helped if they want to be.
303
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,606
So if Van wants to talk to someone,
304
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:37,858
please, let him know
my door is always open.
305
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,153
I think that takes care of everything.
306
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:42,738
So that's it? Goodbye?
307
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:43,864
That's it.
308
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:45,991
Thanks for nothin'.
309
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,830
[whispers] Three, two, one.
310
00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:53,582
Mmm-hmm.
311
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:55,668
You know, you're really ticking me off.
312
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,586
I don't know
if you went to seminary school
313
00:13:57,586 --> 00:13:59,922
or just took an improv class
down at the comedy club.
314
00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:01,382
And your point is?
315
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:03,050
Yes, I've had my doubts!
316
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:03,968
Happy?
317
00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:05,511
[sighs]
318
00:14:05,761 --> 00:14:07,263
I was a wife and a mother.
319
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,848
Then my husband left me
for his pregnant assistant.
320
00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:11,684
Then my daughter got pregnant too.
321
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:12,643
And, then, she came and told me
322
00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,728
that she was gonna marry
her teenage boyfriend.
323
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,188
- I didn't know.
- [sighs]
324
00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:18,607
I knew what my life was.
325
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,359
And then, one day, it all vanished.
326
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,528
I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.
327
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,071
And, then, one day, I just stopped.
328
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,075
Why don't you tell Van this?
329
00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:30,244
Because I'm ashamed that I felt that way.
330
00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:31,912
Reba, calm down.
331
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:33,205
God is a big boy.
332
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,167
He can handle it
when people react normally,
333
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:39,211
when life roughs them up a little bit.
334
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:42,715
But I can't tell Van to believe in him,
and neither can you.
335
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:47,553
But you can tell him that you know someone
who's felt the same way.
336
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,891
Well, Reverend Yummy Pants.
337
00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:58,606
You're beginning to sound
a little bit like a minister.
338
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,107
Well, I do impressions.
339
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,194
Can I ask you one more question?
340
00:15:04,194 --> 00:15:05,237
Of course, you can.
341
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,281
Can a brother and a sister marry?
342
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,290
I told Jake to ask you that.
343
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:17,416
You did?
344
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:26,884
I still don't understand.
345
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:30,304
How did Van get a letter from the minister
excusing him from church?
346
00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:33,307
God works in mysterious ways, Cheyenne.
347
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:35,517
Well, you're gonna start going
after football season ends, right?
348
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:38,020
Well, let's just see
how preseason hockey goes.
349
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:40,856
Bye, Elizabeth.
350
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,656
Jake, come on, let's go to church.
351
00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:51,033
Whoa, Jake, the coat.
352
00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:52,451
Wow. You look nice.
353
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:55,037
Just trying to, uh, spruce it up a bit.
354
00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:57,706
Yeah?
355
00:15:58,374 --> 00:15:59,708
Here, let me help you out with this.
356
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:10,010
You're not taking the Game Boy to church.
357
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:14,598
I'm supposed to bring it to the church
for the Blessing of the Game Boys.
358
00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:17,768
Do you think I make this stuff up?
359
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,938
Okay, but you're gonna leave it in the car
when we get there.
360
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:22,272
Fine.
361
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,650
But I'm playing it in my head.
362
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,239
Hey, Mrs. H?
363
00:16:30,447 --> 00:16:31,448
Yeah, Van.
364
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:32,950
How did you get that note?
365
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,996
Van, I don't put 20 bucks
in the collection plate every Sunday
366
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,580
without expecting a few favors.
367
00:16:39,206 --> 00:16:41,291
No, but what I mean is-is why?
Why'd you do it?
368
00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:42,626
How come you're not mad at me anymore?
369
00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:43,961
I was never mad at you.
370
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:46,005
Oh, I guess I assume someone's mad at me
371
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,756
when they say
they're gonna put me in the ground.
372
00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:48,799
[laughs]
373
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,093
And I'm sorry I don't believe in God.
374
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:54,138
Van, I don't think you really mean that.
375
00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:55,723
I think you still believe.
376
00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:58,684
It's just that you and God
aren't talking right now.
377
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,853
You guys have a relationship
378
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,439
that I desperately really wanna have
with Barbra Jean.
379
00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:08,819
I guess this feeling
is something you can't understand.
380
00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:11,530
Well, that's a bet you'd lose, Van,
'cause I've been there.
381
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,325
- Come on. You?
- [chuckles]
382
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:17,953
Yeah, even the most devout person
has their doubts.
383
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:20,956
Not Mel Gibson.
384
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:30,340
Yes, Van, even Mel Gibson.
385
00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:35,054
But you know
what I learned through all this?
386
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:38,015
I learned that God waits on us.
387
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,102
He waited for me when I was mad at him.
388
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:52,071
Wow.
389
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,283
What did you ever do to tick her off?
390
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:00,996
Wow!
391
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:19,264
Reverend Parks?
392
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,016
Oh, Barbra Jean. Hi.
393
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:22,184
Please, come on in.
394
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:23,560
Oh.
395
00:18:23,852 --> 00:18:25,813
Oh, such a gentleman. [chuckles]
396
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:28,273
Well, Reverend, I...
397
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,652
I just wanted to thank you
for all your hard work here at the church,
398
00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:33,445
so I baked you a pie.
399
00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:34,530
Oh.
400
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:36,198
Oh, look at that.
401
00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:38,200
You cut out little birds in the crust.
402
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:39,827
What are they, mockingbirds?
403
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:41,995
Thorn.
404
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,374
Thorn birds.
405
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:50,295
Okay.
406
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,132
So, what can I do for you today?
407
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,299
Well, Reverend, I, um,
408
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:57,136
I wanted to talk to you about, um,
a friend.
409
00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:58,679
Okay.
410
00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:01,306
See, um, this friend is married
411
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:04,393
and would never do anything
to betray her husband.
412
00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:07,187
She also has this best friend,
the former wife of said husband,
413
00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:10,357
and she would never do anything
to betray her as well.
414
00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:12,985
Well, except steal her man,
but that was a long time ago.
415
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:13,944
And...
416
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:15,445
Barbra Jean.
417
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:17,781
I, too, have a story
that I would like to share.
418
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:19,074
- Oh.
- [clears throat]
419
00:19:19,074 --> 00:19:20,951
I have a friend who is a minister.
420
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,995
Really? [chuckling]
421
00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:27,374
And this minister is really interested
in one of the members of his congregation.
422
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:29,168
[voice quavering] Really?
423
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:32,629
But he doesn't know
how to go about asking her out.
424
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:34,548
If she came to see him,
425
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,675
do you think that would be
a good time to ask her?
426
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:39,553
Okay, you know what?
Listen, Mr. Minister, all right?
427
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:42,806
I know when you say "friend,"
you really mean yourself.
428
00:19:42,806 --> 00:19:46,143
And just because I shamelessly flirt,
which I cannot help,
429
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:49,229
because I am a naturally vivacious
and friendly person,
430
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:51,607
does not mean
that you could make a pass at me.
431
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:53,525
And in the church, for golly's sake.
432
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:54,818
- Barbra Jean--
- Oh, no, no, no.
433
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:56,778
Your smooth talk
is not gonna fly, peaches.
434
00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:57,738
Okay? All right?
435
00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:00,324
This is wrong, church boy.
436
00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:01,867
Wrong as wrong can be.
437
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,785
Now, I'm gonna take my pie,
438
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:06,288
and my special edition copy
of The Thorn Birds,
439
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:09,958
and I'm just gonna pretend
like this conversation never happened.
440
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:11,627
Oh, my goodness.
441
00:20:12,085 --> 00:20:13,170
I can't believe it.
442
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:14,463
- Barbra Jean?
- What?
443
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:18,133
I was talking about Reba.
444
00:20:22,971 --> 00:20:23,889
Oh.
445
00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:27,434
Of course, you were.
446
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,187
You have to say that because I'm taken.
447
00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:33,482
- See you Sunday, all right?
- [smacks buttocks]
448
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:40,239
♪ Amazing Grace ♪
449
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,324
♪ How sweet... ♪
450
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,250
[closing theme music playing]
451
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:21,238
{\an8}Acme! [coughing]